More and more beauty treatments....

Since I've been in Thailand I've been indulging in my favorite past times. Yep, you can take the girl out of London but....for the last 6 weeks I've indulged in all manner of beauty treatments. Pedicures, manicures, facials, head massages, full body massages, reflexology, Thai massages. I've even branched out and administered my own colonic. Not something I'll be doing again I might add.

Aside from beautifying myself and having the opportunity to try out every single nail polish shade under the sun (burnt orange is a current fav) a beauty salon (or even the beach) is the ideal place to observe others and ask the beauticians questions. They are only too happy to answer.

Take Joy for example. I met Joy in Lucky, Lucky Nails on Koh Phangan. She was hilarious. Her and her colleagues asked me endless questions about the type of man I go for...questions like 'do you like Thai or Western men?' 'Western' I reply. 'Ahhhhh' was their response followed by a high pitched giggle.

Then they tell me about themselves. Joy pointing at her colleague: 'She like chocolate men but they no like her'. Other woman: 'They not like me but I like them.' Joy to me: 'I like Western men they rich.' Me: 'Not as rich as you may think.' Joy: 'I have two Western boyfriends. One from Wales (okay, no judgement) and one American, he fat. He very fat. He name John. John is fat and wants to take me to London. I not sure whether to go. What you think?.' A fatal question to ask me. Naturally I have an opinion on this and a new audience. Perfect. Up I step on to my soap box and begin my sermon.

I took great delight in 'advising' (okay, I'll admit sort of telling) Joy that going to London with 'fat John' probably wasn't a great idea given the fact she finds him physically repulsive. Yes, these are my words but she did agree with me when I put it to her in a basic form due to a slight language barrier. i.e Me: 'Do you think John is sexy? Would you like to see John naked?' Joy recoils at the questions and motions to making herself throw up. Subtext. She finds him physically repulsive.

I left the salon feeling pretty good about myself. After all I'd managed to save Joy from the clutches of an overweight American. Good Karma all round in my opinion.

Chiang Mai has a vast range of salons, clubs offering massages, reflexology, facials etc. One particular place (Thai Massage Conservation Club) which offered Thai massages really stood out from the rest - the massages were by blind masseuses. It was amazing. Really surreal environment too. Cool room, wooden floors. Dead quiet. The only noise was the whispering of the blind masseuses. The massage itself was amazing. Just the right pressure, not too much pulling and tugging. I'd definitely recommend it.

My other dalliances have included reflexology with a lady boy who sadly didn't speak a word of English. I tried to speak Thai. Ended up massacring the language so had to make do with secret looks at his/her Adams apple - went back the following day armed with my phrase book but she/he has left. FYI it was the best reflexology I've ever had!

Bad Karma....

My first encounter with a Mediation Snob didn't deter me at all - I had a fabulous time at the retreat. I learnt how to meditate and had the opportunity to ask the Monks various questions which related to everyday life. At least mine anyway. Love, relationships, infidelity, how you should react when someone is really winding you up....the important questions!

I also met some really lovely people so when Ineke, a brilliant Belgium chick who I'd been whispering to (we weren't supposed to talk!) during breaks, asked if I fancied going to another retreat where we'd be taught Tai Chi, Yoga and meditation from a 'really cool Monk' I found myself agreeing immediately.

The following day Ineka and I arrived at the Wat U-Mong Monastery in Chiang Mai. My rucksack was still out of control in the weight department and it literally felt like I had the entire population of Chiang Mai on my back. We walked (well, I waddled) for about an hour around the monastery and were about to be attacked by wild dogs when a Cambodian Monk took pity on us and personally showed us to the meditation centre.

The afternoon was spent learning how to breath properly (yep, you're all probably breathing incorrectly - your stomach should expand when you inhale don't you know), the correct sitting and standing positions for mediation, how to meditate, yoga etc. It was brilliant. Our 'teacher' Pooltai was really interesting, patient and had a great sense of humour.

A key area of Buddhism focuses on Karma. You get back what you put in. You reap what you so. If you behave badly then it will, in time, come back and bite you on the bum. I believe this anyway - little did I know I was about to experience it first hand!!

We were also taken through the various rules at the retreat. Those of you who know me well know that I don't tend to respond that well to rules. In my opinion they are made to be broken and I tend to get a lot of satisfaction from doing so - even better if I get found out. Not sure what that says about my personality. To be frank it's not something that keeps me awake a night. Naturally no one at the retreat was aware of this fact. Not yet anyway.

One of the main 'rules' was we should ideally stay on site. We weren't supposed to leave the grounds of the monastery which meant we could digest what we'd been taught without any 'outside' influences. Plus the gates shut at 9pm sharp so we were advised that if we did decide to leave the monastery we had to be back before the gates shut.

There were just three of us staying at the retreat - the others (Briony and Andrea) were staying at another guest house. Unbeknown to me I had two partners in crime -
May and Ineka. The three of us decided to throw caution to the wind and hot foot it down to the Internet cafe.

Off we went. Laughing hysterically about the 'rules', commenting on how hot some of the Monks were, patting ourselves on the back for 'bending' the rules...we thought we were extremely clever. I thought I was hysterical and for once I hadn't been drinking!!

After the internet we went for drink - another rule broken.

I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. Not only did I have partners in crime but they were also willing to go that extra step. Perfect.

Everything was fine until we decided to head back. Still we were laughing. Cracking jokes, being pretty crude about the hot Monks. Then we arrived at the gates. Tried to open the gate. A wild dog started barking - loudly. It started growling. The wild dog which we were convinced had rabies started Edging closer to us. We then tried to scale the wall. We couldn't. Mainly because you'd need to be 7 foot tall to get up there but also because we had a wild dog on our heels.

You see we thought we'd be clever. We thought we could easily hop over the wall to the monastery or there would be an opening in the fence or we could slide the latch back. We couldn't. We were stranded.

By this time the dog was going crazy and our mosi spray was wearing thin. We had no choice but to check in to another hotel. Except none were open. The only one that was had two dead cockroaches in the room. There was no way I was sleeping there. Eventually we found a 5 star hotel (not within budget) which had a room. The three of us bundled in. I got to watch James Bond on a tv - luxury!

The next morning we woke at 6am in order to head back to the monastery before they finished collecting the alms. Tired, massively out of pocket and feeling very guilty we headed back. Oddly enough this time we weren't laughing and convinced it was bad karma!

Bamboo rafting aka Titanic Thai style!

Not sure what has come over recently. First I head out into the jungle. Next I have to pick my jaw up off the floor when I overhear myself saying I prefer squat loos to western one's (I know, I know), then I suggest bamboo rafting. Why? I have a massive fear of the water so why on earth would I actually pay to be so close to it? For some unknown reason I thought it would be a good idea.

I think I suggested it when I was hungover so my mind was slightly off key. Although thinking about it I do vaguely recall demonstrating extreme excitement when someone was telling me about their experience bamboo rafting. I'm prepared to admit I may have had one or three vodkas. I know for a fact the person in question made it sound almost idyllic. Floating down the river, the sun shining, water quietly rippling against the bamboo raft, great sceneary. It sounded amazing. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it (to a degree) but my experience wasn't quite the same...

I wasn't in the best frame of mind. Woke up with the hangover that killed Elvis and already there was a lot of self loathing going on. Me, Emily, Alice and Lucy arrived at the river and were given our life jackets. So far so good except I'm virtually doubled up with pain from the hangover and making moaning noises which did nothing to help the common Thai perception that western woman can be slightly odd!

The bamboo raft was exactly that. A raft made out of bamboo. I was already warned that when you go on the raft it would sink slightly. Ours didn't of course. It sank quite a bit. Having already been told by a tuk tuk driver in Chiang Mai that he was only charging us 50 baht instead of 40 baht because we were 'big, big girls' we were naturally slightly horrified that it virtually sank to the bottom of the river bed when we stepped on it!! The teeny tiny Thai man raft punter seemed undeterred and off we went.

I was....let's just say I was nervous and insisted on linking arms with Alice on the basis that if either one of us fell in it would be better if we weren't on our own. After about 30 mins I started to relax. That's when the great big dragon flies came swooming around the raft. Of course we couldn't move. We had no where to go. All we could do is wave them off but when we moved so did the raft. Great. Loving this. So relaxing. I had great big buzzing dragon flies darting around my head. I'm sreaming. We're all screaming. The raft punter Thai man was laughing.

Then came the white water rafting element which we hadn't signed up for.... or the 'rapids' as I like to call them. They probably weren't really rapids but they certainly seemed that way to me when I was bobbing around on a sinking raft.

The raft punting Thai man gestured to the rapids and told us to hold on. I actually thought he was joking. I laughed. We all did. All Thais laugh when they don't know what you're talking about which is most of the time in my case. We slide down and over the first 'rapid' - the raft bobbing up and down, half of it submerged underwater, four girls screaming as it slide over the first 'rapid'. The Thai raft punter man continued to laugh. He laughed a lot throughout the journey.

First one was okay. The second one wasn't so good.

We ran aground.

I don't actually think I've ever heard of this happening in a raft before. We were literally lodged over a rapid. Water gushing up against the raft. The bamboo sticks creaking under the pressure of the water, the rapid and us. The raft punting Thai man was laughing. So there we were four women and a small thai man stuck on this bamboo raft on top of a rapid. Then it began to rain. And I mean torrential rain. The raft punting Thai man soon stopped laughing. I was nearly crying. He was too when he tried to dislodge the raft from the rapid and nearly fell over in the process. Thankfully there was a guy on the river bank who came to help. Off we went. We were all laughing then - hysterically.

After an hour or so after the titanic episode was over and the torrential rain stopped I began to enjoy the scenerary. It was gorgeous. Surrounded by the jungle and paddy fields. Pai is beautiful. Very relaxed which is a lovely change from Bangers and Chiang Mai. Will definately be coming back here but not sure I'll be signing up for the bamboo rafting again!!

Yuk, yuk and more YUK!

There have been a millions brilliant people, sights, journeys blah that I've encountered so far so it's only natural I have to tolerate some not so nice experiences.

The first one was a bit of a shocker. I was in Pai. Pai is great but it definitely has an edge to it. A bit of a dark side. During the day it's totally chilled. Plenty to do: bamboo rafting, trekking, hot springs, caves plus some great cafes, restaurants and of course the bars. Oh the bars. They are something else.

There's a real community feel to drinking in Pai which I rather like. My liver doesn't. Emily, Lucy, Alice and I managed to make the most of it. You start off in one bar - usually Shisha Bar. That closes at 12 so the entire, and I mean entire bar, full of people all move to the Monkey Bar. When that shuts everyone heads to the Bamboo Bar and finally, if you're still standing, you head to FUBAR.

Everyone was heading to the Bamboo bar on their bikes. I don't get on bikes. Certainly not with people who are hammered so I decided to walk. A guy we'd all met in Chiang Mai came with me with his guide. Suddenly the guide 'Louis' goes crazy and starts hitting this other guy because he's just seen him hit another girl. This guy, Israeli, on a sabbatical from the army uses this as a perfect opportunity to demonstrate his aggressive side and joins in. He went completely crazy and grabs a bottle and starts hitting the guy in questions. Meanwhile I'm standing thinking 'run' when the police turn up. Suddenly I'm surrounded by 6 or 7 Thai policemen with this guy and Louis going crazy.

I managed to slip out of the situ and walked off. Few minutes later this guy and Louis catch me up and only Louise asks how I am. The other guy is too busy snorting like a bull to ask how I am which I was pretty insulted by. I can't bear aggressive men. It's a sign of weakness, in my eyes really unattractive and generally goes against the grain with me. I was really shocked by the whole experience. Left a really nasty taste in my mouth. Anything could've happened, thankfully it didn't. I went home feeling really deflated and very vulnerable.

Second 'incident' was much, much worse. It didn't happen to me, it happened to a friend of mine and it was awful for her.

We decided to go trekking. First time for all of us. Two days and with an overnight stay with a tribal village family. Let me put this into context. Going on an organised trek in Pai is like hailing a London black cabbie. They are licensed and 'safe'. Or so we thought.

Don't get me wrong. The trek itself was brilliant. The scenery was stunning. It was hard but rewarding. Our guide appeared to be great too. Funny, knowledgeable, great company - his 'helpers' where a bit strange. Bit leachy.

We rocked up at this hut where the family lived and it was basic. And I mean basic. 5 hour trek from civilisation as we know it. No running water, electricity. The loo was the jungle and let’s just leave it at that!!

It was a fantastic experience though. Didn't get a wink of sleep as we were sleeping on bamboo floor with pigs underneath us (hut was on stilts - see pic above) snorting and squealing all night but the four of us all heading out into the jungle for a group loo stop after a few Thai Rice Whisky's is a memory that'll stay with me forever!!

We were all a bit concerned when it was clear the guide was bedding down in our hut. None of us had been on a trek before so we didn't have a point of reference. Previously we'd played a few bamboo stick games with him, drank Thai rice whisky and all was fine. He kept banging on about giving us a massage. I'm always wary of 'massage' guys. In my experience they're always after something other than a massage then give you the whole offended speech when you tell them to f*ck off!

I agree to a massage. Mainly cause everyone else had and I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere esp. as we were a 5 hour trek from civilisation and there were 3 other guys in the adjoining hut with dirty great machetes. Let's just say it was a bit close to the bone. I felt very uncomfortable and when I asked him where he'd learnt Thai massage, he said his cousin. Double, tipple yuk. More like 5 mins convo on how to slyly grope women. Anyway, we go to bed and try and sleep.

The next morning we all wake at 6am - mainly because we can't sleep plus the fact we all need the loo (turns out we all had done for hours but didn't want to wake anyone!) and daren't head out there alone!

Unfortunately the guide had other things on his mind aside from sleeping. My friend woke up to him groping her. His hands under her blanket and everything. Gross. Vile. Massively inappropriate and horrifying for my friend.

He stopped when she acted like she'd woken up to a noise and screamed. We had no choice but to say nothing. At least not until we got back to civilisation. It completely ruined the next day for all of us esp. for the girl in question and tainted the whole trek.

The third and final Yuk situ happened in Chiang Mai. Changers definitely has a seedy side to it. Tons of men (young, old) with young Thai girls. Pretty sick. Quite gross. Not too sure who to feel more sorry for.

Anyway I'm at a bar with another friend of mine. This guy slides up next to us and asks if we can join us. Alarm bells start ringing esp. as he has certain creepiness to him. Bit odd. A chancer who fancies himself. Deluded.

His mate then sidles up. We're chatting. It's a bit stilted. Then they asked if we wanted a drink. We say no. Two arrive anyway. Massively put off at the creepiness of it all we leave. Pretty simple but after bottle gate and guide gate it was the straw that broke the camels back. I was sick and tired of having to constantly be on my guard. It may sound obvious when you're sitting comfortably at home or at the office reading this but it's really unnerving when you're in the thick of it. You have to watch your back all the time and keep your cynicism in check.

The following day I went to see the monks - at least they can be trusted!!

Meeting and meditating with the monks!

I'm totally elated! I now possess (in my mind) a potenitally powerful email address. The address of a Buddhist monk! This means I'm edging closer to the man himself. The Dahli Lama. His name is Monk Phonechit (or Peter) and I met him outside the men and women's loos (as you do!) as Wat Suan Dok in Chiang Mai. I was washing my hands and turned around and there he was. Brilliant. I've yet to ask him whether he knows anyone who can actually arrange a meeting with DL but I'm positive it's a step in the right direction!!

So my vist to Wat Suan Dok lead to a two hour discussion with number of monks about life in general, marriage, jealousy, love - the works. It was fascitating. To my joy I also found out the Wat offered meditation courses with an overnight - I signed up there and then!

Anyway, I've just returned from the retreat and it was everything I expected and more.

After a pretty difficult week (more later on that) I was feeling a bit jaded by the whole travelling thang. Various incidents meant I had to work really hard on reigning in my cycinsim (yes, for those of you who know me well you'll know how hard that was!). So I headed to the Wat (temple) slightly anxious and with some trepidation. I couldn't bear the thought of yet another 'situation' or having to fend off some idiot.

Thankfully it restored my faith - at least for the moment!!

About 10 people attend the retreat, which is about 30 mins from the Wat. Mixture of men and women, all different nationalities. I was amused to witness yet another type of snob. You have music snobs (sadly dated one of those), you have your travelling snobs (met plenty of those), your fashion snobs (worked with millions of those) and now you have your meditation snobs. Yep, that's right folkes. Pick your jaws up off the floor - believe me. There are meditation snobs out there.

The MS in question smuggly advised me within 10 seconds of meeting me (and the rest of the group in our truck) that this was the sixth time he'd attended this particular course. As you know I'm not judgementel (ahem!) so I naturally kept an open mind. He continued to tell me about the course (interesting), why he meditates (slightly interesting) and his life (interesting, but not about about 15 mins of it!). He then began meditating right in front of my eyes. I was trying to hide my smirks and seeing if anyone else found it as amusing - they weren't letting on if they did which worried me even more....

MS continued to amuse me throughout the course but I have to addmit it lessened as the course progressed. Not very 'buddhist' of me to mock people esp on a retreat. I sort of thought it would taint my experience so managed to stop myself - down to my new focused mind!

The course was brilliant. Learnt how to meditate and loved it. We did walking meditation, sitting, lying. Some of it was pretty hard. Apparently when you start aching that's your body trying to prevent you from 'dealing' with an old 'issue'. Interesting.

Had the opportunity to ask questions about Buddhism, approach, how to relay it to modern day life ie what if your boyf or husband cheats on you, how to you forgive, what's the meaning/purpose of life - all of which I'll write up sepeartly in another post (bet you can't wait, Dad!). FYI my father mocks me endlessly about my interest in monks, meditation, reiki etc!!

So all in all it was really good - met some really lovely people and I've decided to delay my trip to Bangkok for a few days to meditate with some of the people I met on the course at another Wat.

Very much having a love hate relationship with Chiang Mai but that said I think it's more because of a few 'incidents' I've encountered recently rather than the place itself. The last 'incident' was in Chiang Mai which put me in a foul mood! More on that later though.

Anyone for Thai cooking?

Yes it's finally happened. You'll probably have to ice skate home as hell has frozen over. I've been on a cookery course. A Thai one at that.

You can even see the pics to prove it - we have above (in no particular order) the scene of the crime, the results of my culinary skills, pic of me, Emily, Lucy and Alice actually cooking and my attempt at cutting an onion (mines the small one on the right hand side) the Thai way which caused the group to howl with laughter!!

I have to say I really enjoyed it. It was the first time in many, many years that I've been in a kitchen actually cooking - usually it's to get the wine out of the fridge, to find the cork screw and/or sit there smoking cigs and drinking wine while I watch someone else cook!! I think the last time I cooked was around 6 years ago and that was a Jamie Oliver fish pie. I was slightly apprehensive about signing up for a whole days cooking but thought I'd push those boundries - how reackless of me!!

It was hilarious. I signed up to Gap's Thail Culinary Art School in Chiang Mai - do the same if you ever get the chance. The chef and 'headmaster' Joe and Sura are hilarous, ensure it's good fun and you get to eat all the gorgeous (ahem!) food you cook throughout the day.

Started off in the market, choosing our ingredients - well, Joe did really! He also pointed out all the different fuits, veg etc - a whole new world for someone like me who only sets foot in the kitchen to switch on the kettle!

We could various dishes - thai spring roll, fish souffle, green curry, pad thai, fish cake, steamed pumpkin and coconut custard and my ultimate fave - Tom Yum soup! And I have to say I didn't do too badly. Surprised myself in fact. Don't get me wrong, I won't be wisking up little thai surprises when I get home but equally I won't recoil when someone mentions cooking again - quite enjoyed it.

Joe and Sura were unknowingly hilarious. Joe used what looked like an old radio ariel as a pointer and would say things like 'everyone know coconut oil', 'everyone know noodles' peppered with comments or rather sounds like 'aaaaahh' and a personal favourite of mine 'same, same but different' and 'I don't know how much you should put in, you feel it in your heart' which isn't the best advice to someone how use to use her oven as storage!!

Anyway, got chatting to an American guy who used to be a minister but gave it up to become a lawyer - so frustrating as I had a million questions to ask him but I got a bit way laid when my pad thai started burning so I couldn't get full details - damn it! Hopefully I'll bump into him again - dying to find out why you'd make that kind of change!!

Up close and personal with nature

The following day we had planned to trek with B to the lake but the other people we were supposed to be going with pulled out. So we decided to trek to a waterfall which apparently was an 'easy' trek which loads of people did by themselves. Fine. No problem. Yesterday was a walk in the park (virtually) and the only note I'd made to myself was to look out for spiders webs in loos! We set off on a nice big path, negotiated contrete steps, so far so good.

It had been raining very heavily the night before, didn't really think anything of it, after all the path on the trek the day before was pretty wide, pathed with stones. All good. About 10 mins into our trek the path completely changed. Narrow, no stones, muddy and slippery. We had to negotiate our way over tree roots, under branches while looking out for snakes, spiders and anything else that could potentially kill us!! (Okay, slightly dramatic but you get my point!).

Let me just contextualise this for you. I was wearing a vest top and trainers with my trousers tucked into my socks (to prevent leeches, yes, that's LEECHES from attaching themselves to me). I can't say it was a great look but fashion means nothing in the jungle and needs must. Emily (and this still makes me laugh now) was wearing white toweling socks with trekking sandals. Definitely not a good look but again, needs must.

So we didn't exactly have the greatest treking gear on. Plus we didn't have loads of water. The path was really slippery in some places and although we kept bumping into people going the opposite direction to us, looking worse for wear (one guy and slipped in a lake and had been covered in leeches) and saying how slippery it was, it didn't deter us. In fact I actually thought 'wimps'. Let's just say the Lord works in mysterious ways!!

After about 1hour it started raining. We were low on water and the path was really narrow by now and very slippery so we decide to turn back. We come across a really narrow, muddy section of the path which many people had clearly slipped on. Just to add to it there was a 75 degree drop to the river below, peppered with 150 foot trees which no doubt housed many, many deadly creatures plus bamboo stumps. If you slipped and fell you would know about it. You'd either do yourself a massive injury from the stumps or you'd disturb spiders, snakes and who knows what else living in the trees.

I went first (on account my trainers had more grip - ahem!). Thankfully there were some strong, sturdy vines to hold onto. I made it.

Emily was not so lucky.

As she crossed she slipped. Her legs dangled helplessly as she held on to the vines for dear life. She has a nervous laugh. She began giggling uncontrollably. I started to shit myself. Only the vines she was holding onto and the vine wedged in between both butt cheeks were preventing her from falling. She looked up at me and said 'there's a vine up my bum'...'don't worry' I tried to reassure her 'it's saving your life!'. Bet she appreciated that! Thankfully she managed to hoist herself back up onto the path. We carried on walking in shock. Total silence. Very eager to get back.

About 15 mins later, Emily perked up with 'we haven't seen much of nature today'. 'Thank f*ck for that' I replied. Little did I know things were about to change.

There I was, walking along, concentrating hard on not slipping and trying to ignore various sounds, rustles etc. When I look down at the path in front of me and scream like I've never screamed before. Right in front of me was a black and red snake. It froze. We froze. Ever the optimist, I tried to reassure Emily (er, like I'm not properly shitting myself) that I didn't think it was poisonous. I have no idea where my sudden knowledge of snakes came from. Nor did Emily to be fair. I hate snakes. They make me shiver with fear. The fact that a live one was inches away from my feet wasn't the best moment of my life. After a minute or so it slithered away. We waited a few minutes then ran at a pace that would rival Linford Christy past the scene of the crime.

Eventually we got back to Riverside where we learnt the snake was in fact poisonous. Great. Emily nearly died, I nearly stepped on a poisonous snake. Queen of the jungle? I think not.

We left the following day for for Hau Hin and the beach! Don't get me wrong - Koah Sok was stunning, Riverside and the staff were fabulous. I loved the elephant trek and it was brilliant to do something different. Will I go trekking on my own again. No. Definitely not!

Queen of the jungle?

I have just experienced one of the most exhilarating and yet frightening 2 days of my life. I'm seriously not exaggerating here. We're talking total jungle mania, up close and personal with mother nature and Cliff Hanger esq moments - literally.

Emily (who I met on KPN) and I arrived at Koah Sok Riverside Resort in Thailand's Koah Sok after a 9 hour boat and bus journey from Koh Tao. The staff where amazing. Super friendly, real characters, very amusing. Or, Yuan and B (our guide) were fantastic. Food was sublime - best prawn Tom Yum soup to date! The cabins were rustic but had a certain charm to them. Ours overlooked a beautiful river. The scenery was dramatic. A complete contrast from the sandy beaches and turquoise sea of KPN and Koh Tao.

Now, before I get a ton of emails saying 'what did you expect going to the jungle' just hold your horses for a moment. Obviously I anticipated insects. I was more than prepared to go trekking (brought cotton trousers and trainers for the event) and get close (ish) to mother nature. What I hadn't expected was mother nature and her beloved creatures to be literally under my feet nor to witness a near death experience.

We arrived late at night. My rucksack was so heavy a guy kindly tried to help me with it and nearly fell over in the mud! I was in a foul mood. I was hating my rucksack and loathed the thought of trying to negotiate the steps to reception surrounded by a mud bogg. Thankfully the guy managed to hoist the evil rucksack onto his back. We sorted out our room and had dinner. So far so good.

The next morning I was woken up by what I can only describe as the sound of 100 car alarms going off. Except it wasn't 100 car alarms going off as I was in the heart of the jungle. It was creatures. Insects. I later learnt beetles make this noise. Flying beetles. It sounded like the day of the triped. I was shitting myself.

Managed to make it down to reception and we headed off on our trek with B. A leisurely trek where the path was very well trodden, saw tons of insects, camilions etc and even stopped off for drink and fag along the way. 'This is my kind of trekking' I thought to myself as I sauntered off to use the loo. All fine. Dare I say I was even cocky about the whole jungle 'thang' until I assumed position over the squat loo and looked up. To my utter horror there was a spiders web the length of a car above me. Now I've seen arachnophobia. My biggest fear is being helpless and having a dirty great big spider fall on top of my head, into my lap - in fact anything relating to a spider scares me shitless. I literally froze. Suffered massive stage fright and legged it out of there.

I had to wait another 3 hours until I could relive myself. It was agony. I was nearly in tears and could barely speak. Seeing the waterfall (whole purpose of the trek) was the hardest part. Made my eyes water and it wasn't at the scenery!

Anyway, after the trek on foot we when to the elephant sanctuary for a trek riding elephants too. It was totally brilliant. Definitely a highlight of my holiday to date. Then on to a temple to feed monkeys. I didn't feed them though. Horrid little creatures they started biting people and I couldn't be bothered with having to go to hospital because of a monkey bite!

Anyway, that evening I was dropping off to sleep when I heard a pretty big noise. Not quite too sure what it was as I was nearly asleep. Didn't really pay much attention to it either until Emily asked if it was me. Then it happened again. Sounded like it was on the roof. Sounded like it was a big animal. We both lay there listening out for it again. My imagination ran wild. Then I heard a purring sound. 'Oh. my. god.' I thought. 'There's a wild cat like thing on the roof and it's probably hungry and angry.'

With slight trepidation I told Emily that I'd heard purring. She muffled a laugh and said it sounded like a mophead. To this day I'm convinced it wasn't. Embarrassed I managed to drop off to sleep.....

Drastic rucksack measures

My rucksack feels like I have two dead people in it! A poor Thai man nearly fell over at the sheer weight of it when he tried to pick it up (I did warn him it would be heavy. He smirked, then stumbled as he tried to lift it into the pick-up truck!) I literally packed everything. Mainly beauty products which I felt (at the time) where necessary. Now I have to lug the buggers around I naturally feel different. Or so I thought until I had to chose which ones could stay and which ones had to go.

This may sound drastic (and possibly a little shallow) but I liken it to asking a parent to chose between his/her children. So I had to enlist the help of someone who had no emotional attachment to the various day and night creams, serums, face masks, vit c lotion, nail varnishes, body creams I had brought with me. My sister, Charlie, was the obvious choice - Eve would only have chosen the items she wanted to bag for herself! Charlie is ruthless and thinks most of it is crap - I know, I know - it's sacrilegious!!

It was hard. She more than halved by A3 sized beauty bag (specifically brought to ensure all items large and small could be accommodated) and didn't stop at just my gorgeous beauty bits, she actually went through my clothes too. She was like a woman possessed. But she had my best interests at heart so I couldn't moan - I could only wince every time she picked something up, looked at me, rolled her eyes and chucked it in the 'unwanted' corner of the room. No emotion. Ruthless. Harsh.

I managed to retrieve some items. My SK II facial treatment repair, Aussie 3 Min Miracle sachets and my Ole H facial oil which I argued barely weighed a thing. Sadly around 25 items were lost. The sack feels mcu lighter though - god only knows what will happen to my complexion. If I age 15 years on this trip I know who to blame!!

I am grateful though. It now means I can actually walk with my ruck sack on my back and negotiate steps without help (I did try to walk up some stairs and nearly collapsed with the sheer weight of my back pack!).

I've also realised there's a knack to packing a ruck sack. I know, I know, I should've checked this all out before I went. But to be honest I didn't really think about it. Plus I was far to busy working and saying good-bye to various friends and family so spare a thought for my rucksack. It now seems as though EVERYONE knows there is a certain way you have to pack. Thanks for telling me. I've actually witnessed a few raised eyebrows (in my direction) when I've mentioned this to fellow 'travellers'. So now I have to pack everything that's heavy at the bottom of the rucksack which I have to say has made a massive difference. Plus I'm not on the receiving end of various smirks by cocky travellers when I try to pick-up or walk with my rucksack on my back. I tend to sway you see or rather stagger. Nor do I get horrifying looks from men who kindly help me with my rucksack and invariably pull a muscle in their back while doing so!

How things have changed....

Okay. So before I arrived in Thailand I would think nothing skipping through the house (okay, not quite but hopefully you get my point!) marching into the bathroom or strutting (sometimes quite well but I'm happy to admit I'd usually miss my footing and stumble in!). That was then, this is now. My how things have changed.

As I approach my hut I now stomp up the stairs, rattle my keys before I put them in the lock, bang on the door and cough before I've even entered. Am I mad? Possibily. The truth is every time I approach my hut I start my mantra of 'please don't let there be any bugs in my room'. God forbid there are any creatures in there. The people staying in the hut next door have thrown me a few odd looks. Do I care - no. It's about survival!

I enter (stomping and coughing which isn't hard as I've been smoking like it's going out of fashion....while reading the Allen Carr book!), look at all corners of the floor, eyes glid round the floor, then I assess the ceiling. Assuming that's all clear I head to the bathroom. Do exactly the same. Check the loo seat, behind and underneath. Then I stop and listen hard incase anything is scuttling around. I do this about 4/5 times a day.

Any noise, flutter, movement of any kind is met with a sharp glance, feet up on the bed and little yelp. I try to consol myself that having worked in PR I've dealt with much worse 'creatures' but it doesn't help.

I'm heading into the jungle tomorrow where I'll be staying in a tree house. Can you bear it? Me in a tree house in the bloody jungle. To say I'm aprehensive would be an understatement. I've brought 4 bottles of mosi spray with so much deet in them I'm afraid it might ruin my tan or worse still burn the top layer of my skin off. God knows how I'm going to cope. Have considered buying a bee keepers suit but oddly enough they don't sell them on a diving island. Help!