The end of the course

There were many things about the course which surprised me; the strict timetable, the fact we had to ask for a pass to leave the premises, the number of lovely people on my course, the fact a role call number was called out at random during Satsang (blimmin Satsang) so that person had to lead a chant (nerve racking - thankfully I escaped selection) but nothing surprised me more than the behaviour of some of the teachers at the end of the course. Two in particular, Mani (Director of Yoga) and Sri Nagarajji (lecturer in Bhagavad Gita).

At school  there were always certain teachers who struck a cord with the students. Mani and Sri Nagarajji were clearly the two favourites. Mani because he seemed to get the mood of all us and aside from the fact his yoga classes were utterly amazing; in terms of developing our flexibility but also challenging us in standard and advanced asanas but in judging the mood of the 'people' he always managed to have a story up his sleeve which would totally sum up how we were feeling and cheer us up at the same time. 

At the end of our last asana class he prostrated in front of us. Apologised if he or anyone else had done anything to offend us during our time at the ashram but explained they were trying to teach us how their masters (Swami Sivananda and Swami Vishnu Devananda) taught them but they are human and not perfect so naturally can make mistakes. People were crying - it was pretty moving.  

Sri Nagarajji was just a whole bunch of cuteness. He was in his 80's, very active, wore little round rimmed glasses and was about 5.5 - like a little pocked sized chant box - he adored chanting and the Bhagavad Gita scriptures too. He loved to chant them. He was utterly thrilled when we joined in. How could you not when he was so enthusiastic about them. At the end of our last lecture we stood up and gave him a standing ovation - he cried. Like Mani, he apologised if he'd made any mistakes during the course. Again, more tears. A little lesson acceptance there along with how demonstrate complete humility.

It was Sri Nagarajji who gave me my certificate when I PASSED THE COURSE. Yes, I made it. I'm now a qualified yoga teacher. Very pleased with myself especially when I picked up a leaflet advertising yoga classes which read 'trained in the gulakula system (tick), in-depth knowledge of main yoga scripture, Bhagavad Gita (tick) and yoga philosophy (tick), trained at a world famous ashram (tick, tickety, tick). I must admit it felt rather good.

I never, ever thought I'd be a qualified yoga teacher - oh, the irony. I used to snigger at people practicing yoga on the beach - no I do it myself! Hahaaa. If someone had told me before I left for my big trip in July 07 that eighteen months later I would be spending a month in an ashram and come out a qualified yoga teacher I would've pissed my pants laughing, sparked up another fag and downed whatever cocktail I drinking at the time or a vodka tonic out as the mere thought would've made me nervous. When I left the UK for my big trip I had a bottle of vodka under my arm - I returned to the UK nearly a year later not drinking or smoking with a yoga matt! It brings an ironic smirk to my face every time I think about it.

So aside from gaining a qualification, learning how to pronounce Sanskrit (traditional Indian language, with 52 letters in the alphabet so totally different sounds), extensive knowledge about my own behaviour, thought patterns, ego (finally admitted I have one) and becoming more disciplined than I could ever have possibly imagined (I wake up at 530am to meditate and practice yoga before I teach my first class - er, hello?!) I also met some incredible people and made some life long friends. In fact it's not until after a month later, now I'm writing this, that I'm starting to fully appreciate how many ways I benefited from the course.

I was told a number of times the course would change me - I completely under estimated just how much it could and did. A transformation no less? You'll have to see that for yourselves but I certainly feel a whole lot different.

OOoommmmmmmm

(still got my sense of humour though!! LOL)

Hugging a living saint

Amma had been on my radar for quite sometime. Her ashram is situated in Kerala, just outside of Kollam so she's very much viewed as the Guru of the state so I'd heard a lot about her during the times I'd been back and forth to Kerala. I'd met and read about numerous people who'd experienced her legendary hugs, stayed at her ashram and basically followed her tours around the world. As one rather obsessive woman told me ' I live for Amma - she is my everything'. Er...okay. Each to their own and all that but really it was this statement that sparked my inquisitiveness towards Amma. I wanted to know what the fuss what all about. So I started reading about her - a bit of research no less. And what I found out was pretty impressive.

Firstly, she is a reincarnation of the Divine Mother so it doesn't get much bigger than that really. Aside from 'God' I suppose. She has millions of devotees around the world. Not one for being seduced by numbers I was more impressed about the fact she once cured a man with leprosy. She licked his sores - surely the fact she'd even do that makes her worthy of a saintly title regardless of the outcome? She was deemed 'special' from young age - born and breed in a small fishing village in Kerala from the age of seven she would regularly go into a trance and recite chants....for hours at a time. She is renowned for the humanitarian work she does around the world which she tours regularly. Thousands flock to see her. And she's known for her loving hugs. She'll spend up to 8 hrs a day, without a break (so no water, no nature breaks) hugging hundreds of thousands of people who come to see her. No one leaves without a hug which is like being embraced by the Divine Mother herself; healing and powerful. I had to find out for myself.

During the second week of the TTC (teacher training course) Krishna came up to a crowd of us and asked if we wanted to go an see Amma in Trivandrum - 'hell yeah' was my reply. Before I knew it two weeks had flown by and it was decision time. I had two choices - spend the day before the exam at the ashram and revise or go to Trivandrum and see Amma. Surely getting a hug from a living saint would guarantee a pass? How could I be sure though - I needed a sign. So I asked for one.

It just so happened for Satsang that morning I decided to save some time and put on half of what I was going to wear for the day under my uniform. So I had a had put on a white tee under my uniform yellow t-shirt and wore the TTC mandatory white fisherman's trousers. While we were chanting 'Bansuri, bansuri, bansuri' I asked for the sign to tell me whether I should go to see Amma or not. Nothing happened. Satsang finished. Still nothing.

I removed my uniform tee so I was wearing all white and grabbed a cup of chai and started deliberating over my options with Helen. Becc bowled up and asked if I was going to see Amma as I was wearing all white - the same as  her devotees. OMG a sign, a sign, a sign, a sign, a sign, a sign. It sealed the deal. If I'm getting mistaken for a devotee in the ashram I definitely should be going to see Amma - no question. 

Three cups of chai later and I was sitting on the bus chanting 'Jaya Ganesha, Jaya Ganesha, Jaya Ganesha'...'whatever happened to Hed Kandi?' yelled Helen clapping and chanting as we bombed along the road - good question - I knew if my friends and family could see me as I chanted and clapped wearing all white they would howl with laughter. To say I was fully embracing the devotee moment would be an understatement!

My Devotee esq get up turned out to be the VIP pass I never knew I had - well, that and the way the words 'OM Namah Sivaya' (mantra of Lord Siva) rolled off my tongue and my hands automatically went into prayer position at the same time. I instinctively did this when asking a real devotee for directions to the loo. She looked at me smiled and pointed me in the direction of the STAFF TOILETS. I wafted up the stairs on a cloud of spirituality to the loos, which in my mind by now were now glistening gold works of art. Again, my expectations were a little high and they were actually stinking squat loos but hey it was certainly better than the public ones.

I floated back on my gleaming, white, heavenly cloud to the crowds - we're talking thousands of Indians, some queuing, some praying all waiting to see Amma who hadn't arrived on stage yet. As I glided through the crowds, who also recognised me as a devotee, I noticed I began smiling at them in a knowing, kind way - least I thought it was. The small, old Indian woman, the cute little children...all received what in my mind was now a smile of pure goodness, light and love as I applauded myself on my patients with the crowd who were pushing into me. Well, that was until a rather small but determined little lady bulldozed past me followed by another 20 memebers of her family and nearly sent me flying and worse still threatening the cleanliness of my now slightly faded white attire. And that's when I came down from my cloud of spirituality with a rather firm bump - when I 'all of a sudden' noticed I was elbowing one of the small little ladies in her side to block her from passing me. Hmmm I could see this whole spirituality thing was going to be a little more harder than I thought...

A few hours later - and a lot more VIP loo stops - Amma arrived on stage so the sounds of wailing women. The atmosphere that was electric. Just being in the presence of someone so good, so enlightened was pretty amazing. Made the hair on my arms stand up. Thankfully the law of retribution had clearly over looked my scrum with a not so defenseless old woman and I received a hug within a few hours. It was a really surreal experience.

As I edged up towards the stage I started to recite my wish - you're 'granted' a wish when she hugs you - eager to ensure I didn't lose this opportunity with the Divine Mother. As I edged closer and closer to the stage I became slightly aware of the shoving and jostling surrounding Amma. You see in my mind I would gracefully wander up to Amma and prostrate in front of her. I'd then slowly get up, walk towards her and fall gently into her loving arms where she would hug me warmly, as she whispered to me words of encouragement and praise while I fully embraced the moment and silently made my wish. She would then release me from her arms and I would float off, a little higher up for the experience, on my cloud of spirituality.

What really happened was I was grabbed by two of her western disciples (majority of them are) who yelled  in my ear 'don't hug her, don't hug her, arms down, arms dooown' so much so that I actually thought for a split second that I'd transcended onto an other level consciousness where the military prevailed. Thankfully that wasn't the case but before I knew where I was the commotion and yelling ceased and I was in Amma's arms. For a second I heard nothing, it was a completely peaceful experience. Bliss. She whispered in my ear  'my darling, my darling, my darling' while I was thinking 'oh my God I'm being hugged by a living saint'....before I had time to even utter the first word of my wish I was yanked (with force I might add) out of Amma's arms.

I was in a daze, I wanted to fully absorb the moment of peace, tranquility and safety I'd felt for a second but no. No, no, no, no, no once again people aren't doing what I want them to do...I was rudely awakened with 'get out the way, get out the way....no, no, no she wants you on the the stage, Amma wants you on the stage - you're on the stage, you're on the stage..' I was back at the army barracks of Amma's disciples. I was overwhelmed at being yelled like I was on some kind of army exercise and also at the fact I'd been selected, by a living saint, to join her on stage. My rightful place surely?!

Ashram life

Life at the ashram went like this:

5.15am    wake up bell rings

6-730am  Satsang - would go on till 745am

730-8amchai break

8-10am asana (yoga) class

10-11am brunch

11-12pm karma yoga

12-1pm Lecture - chanting or Bhagavad Gita - would go ontill 1.15pm

1-1.30pm asana (yoga) workshop

130-2pm chai break

2-330pm main lecture - philosophy/anatomy - would go on till 350pm

4-6pm asana (yoga) class

6pm dinner

8-930pm Satsang - would finish around 945/10pm

Out with the old (part 2)

A week later the day for the long await Kriyas (yogic cleansing exercises) arrived. Seeing as the goal of all yoga teaching is how to concentrate the mind, how to discover its hidden facets, and how to awaken the inner spiritual faculties a serious of cleansing exercises assist nature in removing waste products....

There are six - nasal cleansing (Neti), abdominal churning (Nauli), upper digestive tract cleaning (Dhauti), colon cleansing (Basti), cleansing of the lungs (Kapalabhati) and steady gazing (Tratak).

As the entire class was doing the cleansing together thankfully we were giving Basti a miss (I made some life long friendships on the course but experience someone else's colon cleanse would be taking it a bit too far). We already practiced Kapalabhati and Tratak daily which left Neti, Nauli and Dhauti. I must admit this is the part of the course I had actually been dreading. You see Neti involved me inserting a catheter into my right nostril, right down and back through to my mouth. And that's not all....when I felt it on the back of my tongue I had to draw the catheter out through my mouth and then do the same again with the left nostril.

If you think that's gross then Dhauti is even better....I had to swallow a piece of gauze 3inches thick and 15 ft long. Dip it into tepid salt water. Place one end of the cloth into my mouth and begin to chew and swallow the line little by little. Then slowly take it out...along with all the phlegm with it. Eeewww. But that's not the end of the cleansing session. Dhauti has not one but two parts to it's cleansing process - the other being water purification of the stomach. I had to quickly drink 8 glasses of lukewarm salt water. Press my stomach with my left hand and put the fingers of my right hand down my throat and vomit the water back.

So picture, if you will, 170 people standing on the bank of a lake all basically throwing up at certain points as we pulled the gauze out of our stomachs, chucked up salt water and wiped snot from our noses...

The thing is I was pretty disappointed with it all. I couldn't throw up any salt water no mater how much I drank and I could only get the catheter up one nostril (due to my previous lifestyle choices) and I not as much phlegm came out with the gauze. Least not as much as I'd expected. You see I'd hoped to expel all of the impure elements in my body in one fail swoop. Not a little bit here, a little bit there. I was convinced there was more left to cleanse. There was no way my body only had that limited amount. I'd flippin abused it mentally and physically for years. If this was all that was left I would've carried on (joke).

It wasn't until about an hour later when I was seething with bitter disappointment at what was now a terrible cleansing performance - so much so that I went into full on self loathing mode - that it dawned on me maybe the cleanse had been more effective than I thought. And perhaps, just maybe, my expectations had been too high. Cue Meatloaf.

A few hours later, during the Bhagavad Gita and anatomy lectures, I was over come with tiredness. So much so I had to actually lie down on my yoga matt. Fully passed out. Then I had yoga and that's when the flood gates opened. So I left the class and watched the sun set and literally sobbed my heart out. For hours. Mani came over - I could barely see him through the tears and my puffy eyes (which now resembled the eyes of a heavy weight boxer after a match). He was really sweet. Told me I was release a lot of old stuff (clearly), probably from past lives (would make sense as I had no idea why I was crying and so sad) and it was all part of my spiritual journey. 'Aahh the rocky and unpredictable road of spirituality' I thought as I recalled Jesus being in the desert for 40 days. And there's me sobbing after a few cleansing techniques. Least I didn't have to go without food and water for 40 days while the devil banged on in my ear constantly!

Joking aside it was pretty intense experience. The thing is I wasn't alone. Thankfully I'd met some fantastic people on the course, we'd all really bonded so I sought solace with Marni, Anika, Helen, Harini, Jenna, Lindsay, Veronica, Kate, Giselle and Benny. The gang.. .all of which could fully appreciate where I was coming from having either gone through it themselves or were in the midst's of doing so.

The following day I felt pretty shaky - thankfully it was our day off for the week so I hung around the ashram, spoke to my family, drank chai and replied to emails....bit later on I was telling someone about what happened when they looked directly at my face and told me it had had opened up - so every cloud and all that....

Karma yoga

Karma yoga is the yoga of action. It's the dedication of all work as an offering to God, with no thought of personal reward and it was an integral part of the course; not just for those of us on the teacher training course but also for the 'yoga vacationers' who were on 'holiday' at the ashram too. The 'job' assigned could range from anything from sweeping the path, serving food, working in the boutique to emptying the rubbish bins. An hour each day was dedicated to this selfless service and it was mandatory.

Now I had a sneaky feeling before I arrived at the ashram that I would be given a job I wasn't going to particularly enjoy. Call it a premonition, a hunch or just the fact I knew my behaviour and actions hadn't been exactly a shining example to humanity. Nothing too hideous. I mean I haven't murdered anyone or anything like that but let's just say I have fractured a few karma 'laws' over the years. So I knew it was only a matter of time before the law of compensation caught up with me. The ashram seemed to be the most likely place it would - I figured I'd have to pay in one big go - and pay I did....scrubbing loo's.

It seemed rather apt - I'd even go so far as to say it was poetic justice (if it had been someone else)...so remembering that you suffer on account of your own actions, I decided to take it on the chin and look for the positives. I rationalised that at least I was cleaning the loo's in my own dorm so at least I knew they were clean, it wouldn't take longer than 30mins so I had an extra half an hour to 'play' with each morning and...well, I could only think of two positives...

Naturally I decided to do my karma yoga with good grace. I figured it would help me in the future. I decided to take the spiritual approach; be graceful, be happy, be dutiful...that was until I realised someone else was shirking their responsibilities on 'loo' duty. I was part of  team - there were supposed to be four of us and we split the areas which needed cleaning.  So one person would do the bogs, someone else the mop/sweep the floors, empty the bins and clean the sinks (cue hair balls - gross). I hadn't seen one woman since we'd been shown around the bogs and told what we had to do so assumed she'd been reassigned to something else.

The shirker was uncovered when I was asking Laura (in charge of assigning karma yoga jobs) for more bleach - the most reassuring smell in India - when she mentioned there were four of us scrubbers. Not so I told her - she asked me who been scrubbing with me so I went through the names and the shirker was identified. The cheek. I mean if I'm honest I was more irked with the fact I was too worried of the karmic outcome to put a middle finger up to the whole thing. What goes around comes around and all that. I also figured the law of retribution would catch up with me eventually and I didn't really relish being 'on the run' on the spiritual plane - I'd have to pay at some stage. Might as well be scrubbing loo's in an ashram after all, it could be worse...it can ALWAYS be worse.

But that didn't stop be being slightly aghast at the fact someone had the balls to not bother turning up. Didn't they have a karma conscience? Anyway, not my problem and all that - until the bog shirker cornered me asking why I said she wasn't cleaning the loo's. Eeek. confrontation over toilet duty - definitely uncharted territory, I mean I don't think I've argued over who's cleaning the loo since I was at uni and then we just decided not to bother cleaning them at all (leading to a rather unattractive skin complaint for some of us as a consequence). Apparently the lady in question had been scrubbing but at a different time to the rest of us only none of us had seen her so...whatever, I wasn't about to fall out over scrubbing a loo and as it turned out it worked in my favour - we decided to change who was cleaning which area so she got the loo's and I go the floors. Reeesult.  Divine intervention working at it's very best. But unbeknown to me the best was yet to come...

Two weeks later everyone changed jobs completely and I was to be working in the popular 'boutique'. To be fair the term 'boutique' in this context was used very loosely - my point of reference of a boutique is a shop which sells designer get up. However this one was slightly different - I was to be surrounded by books, clothes, cashew nuts, dates (luxury items in the ashram). But there's more, I got to use a calculator and fill out cards (boutique doesn't handle cash) while listening to chanting and chatting to customers.

I saw this as a sign - I was in credit with the universal laws. A first if ever there was one cause I'm rarely in credit on the physical plane let alone the astral plane. It felt good - a karmic promotion if ever there was one!

Out with the old (part 1)

'You will cry' words of warning from Mani, the Yoga Director who every female (and probably male) student lusted over at least once during Asana practice,  'expect it but when it happens don't be embarrassed, let it out - it's important you release whatever comes up for you as and when it does...you probably won't even know why you're crying'. So on one level I was prepared. Tears I can handle. Tears are toxic so I know when I'm crying it's actually doing me some good. It's therapeutic after all. Detoxing from coffee, screaming headaches and profile changing boils on my face is however, something else.

First the headaches, then came the vile mood swings and then finally - the cherry on the cake - boils. Dirty, big red ones. I tried everything under the sun to hide my new friends. And believe me when I say I have enough beauty products on me to supply the beauty dept of Harvey Nics. A variety of products were tried, tested and sadly failed - heat being a major factor...no one likes a sweaty (sorry, glowing) face at the best of times let alone when it's dripping with concealer. So I had no choice but to go with it - in true yogi spirit I had to detach. But it was hard. I was in a foul mood which I couldn't openly share with anyone so early on in the course for fear of being a social leaper. And I was sporting spots which looked like my family had pitched up on my face. People were actually focusing in on them when they spoke to me.  Not a good look.

Anyway, after a week or so the headaches had ceased, I was back to my sunny, bright self and my teenage spots disappeared - I seemed to have turned a corner on the detox front...or so I thought.

It was really strange when it happened. And I'd been warned. I people had spoken about it, I'd consoled various friends sobbing uncontrollably after lectures and asana classes so I knew it was only a matter of time before the same happened to me.

And so in week two it began....

I knew something was wrong when I started crying, during morning Satsang, when the Japanese students were reciting the Universal prayer in Japanese. At first I put it down to being tired. But then it happened the day after when the Russians where half way through the prayer and again the day after when the French were reciting it. Conversations with various friends ensued and all confirmed my fears - it's on it's way. The cleanse, the release whatever you want to call it.

So I waited....

The following morning tears started rolling down my face during meditation. So I knew by this stage it was imminent....

Then it happened later that same day - tears started rolling down my face during my Bhagavad Gita (main text in Hindu philosophy) lecture when Sri Nagaragi (probably the cutest man on earth) quietly said 'I vont' give up' when hardly anyone joined in with him as he chanted one of the verses from the text he loved so much.  And then it came. Like a Tsunami. Later on that same afternoon, during my afternoon Asana class and right after I'd finished my headstand. A huge surge of sadness and then tears started streaming down my face.

It's happened before - after a session with a spiritual doctor in Bali last year - so I knew what to expect in a way. That said I think having gone through it a second time doesn't necessarily make it any easier - I just knew it was good for me. It's strange feeling so sad but not knowing why. And it's even more unusual to have hot tears uncontrollably streaming down my face and not knowing why. And at the time all I kept thinking was to push out as much as I can, let go of as much as I could cause if I didn't I'd only have to deal with it later.

After a few hours I stopped crying and felt better - lighter.

The following day my practice was the best it's ever been - held all 12 asana's for a record amount of time, was more flexible and someone said Iooked better so something must have shifted. Phew. That's the end of that then....

Hard Lessons Learnt

From the very start of the course we were warned the month was going to involve looking inwards - self introspective. The intensity of course, the discipline, the yoga practice, the lack of sleep, the philosophy...in one of our very first lectures we were discussing the aim of yoga which is ultimately to achieve truth. And discovering your truth means you look at yourself. Your behaviour, your reactions and actions are under a personal microscope. It's basically like looking at yourself in a mirror non stop for four weeks. You see everything (and I don't just mean open pores) - you have no choice because whether you like it or not 'everything' is staring right back at you. And it doesn't happen all at once - least it didn't to me. It came in waves. Yep, waves of realisations at the most unlikely times - like during Satsang. In fact most of my realisations came during or after Satsang. I suspect mainly because I disliked it (at the beginning at least) so much.

It was mandatory to attend Satsang at 6am and 8pm for 1.5 hrs each day. Satsang basically consisted of silent meditation (which I like), chanting (which initially I found really weird) and a talk on philosophy (another tick). Fine in principle. I mean it wasn't as though this was new information. I'd read the course structure a zillion times. However up until the fourth week I pretty much loathed attending Satsang. And doing something I don't like doing, gracefully, has never been my strong point. So I found myself most mornings and evenings really battling with my mind ie having to stop myself from walking out of Satsang in a blaze of 'what a load of bollocks' glory - if I did and got 'caught' it was likely I'd fail the course.

So on one hand it was a bit like being a school accept I'd chosen to be there and I was paying for it too. Odd. Definitely uncharted territory. One of the things I initially found strange was the fact I was having to do stuff I didn't like doing. Normally I never would. And certainly wouldn't pay for it either. If I don't like something I ask for my money back. And then I had to rationalise the fact that I had a choice - we always do of course and like many times before when I'd insisted I had no choice, it was really a case of not having any choices I actually liked - so I could leave. But it was my choice not too. Hmmm.

Anyway, it wasn't until day 3 - just after Satsang - that I got my head about the fact that discipline was the name of the game for the next four weeks. And if I didn't like something I had to ask why? What was it bringing out for me in terms of behaviour, emotions. One person who seemed to bring out a lot of reactions in people was Swami Mahadevananda. The Director of all the Sivananda Ashrams and Centres worldwide and our course director. He would shuffle up and down the meditation hall in his orange robes telling us that facing up to our thoughts and reactions would ultimately bringing us face to face with we are, not who we think we are. Scary stuff especially when I rather like the factious version of myself - you know the one who's always right and perfect in every sense. ...

Nevertheless, we were encouraged to keep an open mind as this was effectively listening and that would lead to humility. The course would bring us face to face with ourselves and yoga (practice in every sense so not just the physical side cause here's the thing, it's not just about that it's a way of life (man)) will bring it out in us anyway and eventually, if you work at it, give you peace of mind. Simple then!

So you could say my month at the ashram was pretty heavy going. And intense, hard, a bit daunting but as it turned out one of the best experiences I've ever had. Obviously just how brilliant it had been until after I'd left!

Firstly I found it really hard to meditate which was hard for me to get my head round as I practice regularly. The fact I was spending at least six hours a day sitting cross legged on the floor was killing my hips (still hadn't managed to disperse of the exes) and my knee joints. There there was having to contend with people coughing, farting, fidgeting, the sound of Lions (there was a lion sanctuary nearby) shagging (at least someone was), then energy of 400 people was a lot to deal with.

And that's not all.

Satsang never, ever, finished on time. You see in the morning we had 30mins between Satsang and our first Asansa (yoga) class to have a cup of chai (didn't have brunch until 10am so it was chai or faint), and get changed out of our uniform (a sackable offence if it wasn't worn) in time for our first yoga class of the day. In order to do all of this (and go the loo) Satsang really had to finish on time. Except it never did. And it would drive me flippin crazy.  And I mean crazy....but I wasn't the only one. The first week was sheer madness. Everyone was rung ragged and literally running from class to class....complaining along the way. It felt like there was no time to do anything. We were given a roll call number - mine was 168 - so it really felt like yoga boot camp and then there was the dreaded bell that would ring to wake us up, alert us to a forthcoming lecture, satsang, brunch, dinner...I swear I will have a 'rabbit caught in headlights' reaction to the sound of a ringing bell for the rest of my life. My heart would literally miss a beat every time it rang because it meant I was going to be late for something. And on top of that we had homework, karma yoga (working for the ashram) so there was hardly time to breath let alone do anything else. I literally didn't stop all day. But of course that is the intention - so you're completely present at all times and not romanticizing about the past or fantasizing about the future.

Anyway, there I was sitting in Satsang (again), cursing the fact I was there and it was  running over time (again)because Swami Mahadevananda was banging on about something or other (again), when I started thinking about the course. We were being taught based on a Gurukula system which is over 2,000 years old. So you could say it's pretty established. Following it means you become part of a lineage. And yet there I was thinking 'they have it all wrong. The timings, the course content. The lot. They need to make some serious changes...' when all of a sudden I heard the Swami mention ego...'doesn't apply to me as I don't have' one I thought. That's how much of an ego I actually have (would love to say had but I think it' going to take more than a month to contain it let alone reduce it) - I genuinely didn't think I had an ego. I just thought that's what everyone else had. Honestly. But as the Swami went on to talk about the characteristics of an ego. I started to mentally flick through my memory index and shockingly there it was. Big and bold. My ego. And it was the first of many realisations. I froze at the sheer magnitude of it all. Not only was I having a realisation, but it was one over my (what I thought was nonexistent) ego and to boot Meatloaf's song 'Like a bat out of hell' was playing, full blast, in my head as I slowly but surely accepted the fact I had an ego and a pretty big one at that....

I won't go through all the various scenarios in masses of detail as to how, when and why I came to so many realisations - for fear of causing you to suffer from narcolepsy. However, below are the things I learnt about myself, behaviour/thought patterns etc (and Meatloaf's dulcet tones followed after each fact facing find....I figured if I was going to face up to myself I could at least have a bit of fun with it!)....

So in no particular order this is what I learnt:

1. Acceptance - that Satsang, lectures don't always (in fact very rarely) run to my timetable and this level of acceptance should be carried over into everyday life!
2. Patience - when people didn't walk, talk, serve as fast as I wanted them too....
3. Tolerance - every time I nearly broke my neck tripping over the flip flops outside my dorm - it was the same pair every time....left right in the middle of my path every, single time...cue flared nostrils.
4. Being judgmental - this baby came up for me so many times and by the end of the four weeks I was laughing at myself (I tend to that anyway but maybe not on an hourly basis). In the end every time I noticed I made a judgement I knew it was only a matter of time before I would be proved wrong (I know, the sheer thought shocked me too). For example two people who I had deemed 'irritating' at the start of the course, I later became friendly with. Go figure.
5. Power of thoughts - Every thought we have creates our perception and therefore our reality. Scary.
6. Ego - it's like a wild horse but it makes me laugh. I mean why everyone just won't do what I want, when I want never ceases to amaze me. I have no doubt I have the best ideas/suggestions and I know what's best for everyone. You know I create a great movie in my head like 'Nina in India - the sequel' of how I want things to be - exactly. And even though I'm the script writer, director, producer, head of lighting, sound, costume, design and I'm the leading star other people get in the way, don't do want I want and spoil it....I think you get my point! 
7. My behaviour/attitude when I'm doing something I don't want to do - shocking. The words 'petulant' and 'child' spring to mind. I'll leave it at that!
8. Negative thoughts towards myself - I was pretty shocked at this - no one can ever criticise me as well as I criticise myself. Takes a lot of discipline and focus on a daily basis to combat this bad boy.
9. Lack of trust in everyone - discovered the true extent of this practicing headstands, handstands and Scorpion as initially someone has to stand by you to catch you in case you fall (you always do). Took me ages to get to grips with these postures mainly cause I couldn't bring myself to trust the person next to me. Realised how much it upset them too which was another eye opener. Eeek!
10. Discipline - aha the benefits of being disciplined...who'd have thought I'd get my head round this. I certainly didn't but having experienced them for myself I can say I rather like this newly developed aspect of my personality! 

So there you have it. In a reasonably sized nutshell, all the realisations. Pretty personal you may think? Rest assured I've only shared the 'normal' stuff with you!

Ironically by the end of the course I was actually enjoying Satsang....all that chanting....jaya Ganesha, jaya Ganesha, jay Ganeaha...never again will I scoff at the Hare Krishna's chanting as they walk down Oxford Street. I had to chant Hara Krishna about a hundred times before I could eat!

Haare Ramaaa, Haare Ramaaaaa, Ramaa, Ramaa, Haraaa, Haraaaa, Haraa Krishnaaa, Haaraa Krishnaa, Krishna, Krishnaaa, Haraaa, Haaraaaa.....Haaare Neeeeenaaaar, Hare Neeeenaaar, Neeeenar, Neeeenar...sorry, there goes my ego again!