My new job.....

After Rajhastan, I flew (in true flashpack style) down to Cochin in Kerala, Southern India to meet the lovely Dan Pimm in Varkala. Mr Pimm was on a two week hols decided to spend it with me - hurrah! Always love Mr Pimms company so to have his words of wisdom for two WHOLE weeks was def a privalige.

We were both on the same page whe we met up - in terms of what we wanted to do for the next fornight ie nothing!. I was a bit over travelling, in the sense I'd been on the move roughly every three or four days, so to have the chance to settle for a bit and actually put my bits and peices ie makeup, creams etc out was too exciting for words!! Seriously!

We ended up sharing a bamboo hut opposite an internet cafe. Fine you'd think. And it was accept we had no idea the sights we were about to witness in the evening....

Hidayathulla is the owner of Cliff Manor Beach Resort, which was opposite where we were staying, a lawyer (apparently) and the proud owner of the internet cafe across from our hut. In the day time Hidayathulla (or Ali as he now calls himself) was the perfect gent. Polite, always smiling and bit cheeky. Ali is 35 but is slightly challenged in the hair line department. Not much but it's cleary something he's worried about due to the toupe he wears....sometimes.

During the day the toupe was no where to be seen. By night Ali turned into a girating hunter on the prowl for the ladies and so out came the toupe at particular intervals throughout the evening.

In southern india many of the men wear what look like big nappies. They are infact called a lungi. Most of the time the lungi is worn long, so it finishes about mid calf, but when it gets really hot they pull them up so the lungi finishes just above the knee.

After a few whisky's or rum and cokes (the drink of preference in the south) Ali would be leathered. And I mean leathered. He would hoist his lungi so high it skimmed his arse. In fact the more he drank the higher the lungi would go. Then his shirt would come off and he'd walk around grabing his stomach and winking at the ladies.....you can imagine the response he recieved!!

To add insult to injury (if you will) his toupe would make an outing at various intervals throughout the evening. So one minute he's bowl over with the toupe on, nick a cig from me (yep, I'm back on the fags - dan's fault plus there was no way I could be a non smoker whem my sis, eve, arrived for xmas), take a swig of my water (he needed it and as the weeks progressed I actually kept a bottle just for him), grab his stomach, ask me if I thought he was fat and if any of my friends would like to be his girlfriend, girate in front of me for a few mins, while singing an Indian love song and then scurry off to seranade an unassuming woman trying to get into the internet cafe....30 mins later he was back, minus the toupe, but self conciously touching his hairline (awwww) to ask Dan if he could be his lawyer in London as Dan is 'a buisness man, very important'.

So as the night progressed, the more Ali drank, the higher the lungi rose and the more he'd gyrate. Maybe it was spliff but it was nothing short of hilarious to watch a grown man, semi naked, gyrating while singing Indian love songs. He'd also ad lib with the lyrics like 'you come at me, like a stream of something into my heart' and 'my heart is like a football pitch, wide and open'...he once said this to a woman who was trying to get into the internter cafe (I'm really surprised he actually got any buisness as all women were harrassed before they walked in) who responded by saying 'my heart is closed like a football'...underterred Ali replied with 'then you can play football in my field anytime'. At this point Dan and I were literally on the floor howling with laughter.

All manner of chat-up lines were tried and tested on various women. One which sticks firmly in my mind was when he spotted two women (about the same age and clearly friends) walking towards the internet cafe. He stopped one and asked if she was the mother. I couldn't contain my laughter any longer. I yelped, the woman scowled at me and told him she wasn't!! 'But you look so alike' was his reply. By this time I was doubled up with laughter. Dan nearly exploded and so each evening continued with us watching in complete amusement as Ali offended each and every woman he came into contact with.

The thing is he wasn't being mean at all and I doubt he has any idea just how amusing he actually is. He's in fact a really sweet guy, just split up with his wife, lonely, stressed about the buisness so drinks because of it. Pretty standard but a massive shame nevertheless however it does only take three drinks for him to be totally hammered so I suppose it's not exactly an expensive habbit - I'm trying to be positvie here!

Ali then appointed me as his 'girlfriend agent'. 'You are a western' he told me 'go and find me a girlfriend, email all your friends to ask them if they want an indian lover like me'. I told him all my friends were married or have a boyf but that did't deter him. He told me to send the email anyway in case they were bored with their husbands....

I asked him what his criteria was. Age, hair and body type, profession etc you know, the usual stuff. I was given a brief in the losest sense: female (that's a start), western (cos we're all sluts and sleep with random men during our lunch breaks - more on this in a sep post!), aged between 25-45.

Obviously I had some questions about his brief: did her prefer them alive or dead (he didn't get this joke!)? are divorcees okay? women with childre from a previous relationship? All were fine - I managed to establish that live woman were his preference (thank god for that!). And so each evening he'd ask for an update on my progress. Naturally I had none. I'd already mentioned it to some of the girls I'd met in Varkala but oddly enough none of them were interested.

And so the search continues...so if you know of anyone or you're fed up with your current man and fancy a walk on the 'wild' side then do let me know!!! Ali is more than up for it!