The DL wasn't due to give a teaching at his residence in McLeod, so when it was announced at the last minute that he was (bit of a fav to the Mongolians as they were holding a festival in his honor), you can imagine my excitement as I sprinted (okay, fast walk) down to his office to ensure i was first on the registration list -they do a security check on you before confirming whether you can actually attend.
The teaching itself was pretty intense and incredibly inspiring. This is a man I've admired for years so for me it was a massive deal and meant I could tick off a zillion boxes on my 'things to do' list (which I hasten to add is getting longer and longer.)
The teaching was in the grounds of the temple in McLeod. I was was seriously close to his Holiness. So close that I had to stop myself from throwing myself in front of DL's feet as he walked past me - I was sitting in the carefully marked out 'English foreigners' section where oddly enough I was surrounded by several monks.
Couple of things I noticed during the 10 hour teaching over the course of two days(sitting on a cold concrete floor with my legs crossed):
1.) I have a tendency to misbehave when I'm feeling too virtuous
2.) After a few hours of sitting cross legged the pain actually does go away
3.) Some western 'pilgrims' are total idiots
4.) Some people have no self awareness whatsoever and think calling themselves a 'boooodhist' exempts them from all manner of pretty outrageous comments/behaviour
So after a two hours of sitting with my legs crossed it's not surprising I began to get a little twitchy at certain points. That said it wasn't really sitting crossed legged that made my eyes bulge out of their sockets. It was more the fact that what his Holiness was saying that was making me nervous. You see according to DL (and indeed Buddhism) we must be detached from all material goods and people. You don't own anything or anyone, it's momentary. Okay!
The thing is I can actually do detachment very well. I can totally detach myself from work, money (I often ignore calls from the bank - that's complete detachment in my book!), arsehole clients (detach or kill in my book), annoying colleagues, and fair weathered 'friends' and not forgetting the glorious list of ex boyfs. Detachment, for me, isn't a problem....or so I thought.
I must admit I was feeling pretty chuffed with myself as I listed quietly all the things I was detached from as his Holiness spoke about the benefits. There I was smiling to myself contently when Tenzin (new monk friend - tick another box, thanks!) lent over to me and whispered that he also meant detachment from handbags, shoes and clothes. I turned at him and gave him death stare eyes. I mean, had he gone mad? Had the holy water in the temple been spiked with vodka? Then it suddenly dawned on my that he actually meant ALL material goods. No, no, no, no, no...not my gorgeous white Fendi handbag (maxi size and I mean stunning), my Mui Mui, Jimmy Choo and Manolo Blahnik shoes, not my Smysthson diary, my Chole Kafatan....NOT my babies. Er, I don't think so DL. I can't possibly detach myself from such beauties in the name of enlightenment.
After the shock of realising I wasn't at detached as I thought, I decided to see if there were any other faux Buddhists in the area. Thankfully there was and there 'crimes' were much, much worse than mine (no surprise there then!).
When you attend a teaching you 'secure' your spot by writing your name on a piece of paper and sticking it to the place you want to sit. It's all very polite and no one moves your place. So imagine the sheer horror when two hours into the teaching a guy comes along and asks a monk to move out of his spot. The monk naturally obliged, although the request did cause a few murmurs and dark looks. So after shoving the monk off his place the guy sits down and puts his hands into pray position. It was much as I could do to stop myself from leaning over and poking him in the back. I seriously thought about it but then figured that it was unlikely I would let him have the last word and it wasn't the time or place to embark on a slanging match. I mean, it's not very booodhist is it?!
Second faux Buddhist spotting was when I walked outside during the break while chatting to this woman who was banging on about the fact she was a practising Boooodhist and how at one she is with herself, mankind and nature. I have to admit I'm pretty good at zoning out when people bore me. In fact I have it down to perfection. 12 years in PR means you have to develop certain skills. One which I've found extremely useful is the ability to appear interested in a conversation when actually given the choice, you'd rather stab your hand than listen to the droll. I was just about to nod off into 'anywhere is better than listening to this crap' zone when she suddenly yelled 'get the f*ck off me!'. Shite, she made me jump. Once I'd accepted the fact that her outburst didn't relate to me (I could've quite easily gone to strangle her as I drifted into my coping with arseholes zone) she started banging on about the beggars outside the temple. How disgusting they were, they stank, hair was messy and really skinny, like urchins. Nice. Great. Very COMPASSIONATE coming from a Booodhist. I couldn't bear any more and I managed to shake her at the vegetable momo (Tibetan veg dumplings) stand!
The final straw for me and by far the funniest was at the end of the teaching. I was outside the temple waiting for a friend when I started eaves dropping on the two yanks standing next to me. One turned to the other and said: 'I'm leaving tomorrow so I'm not sure when I'm gonna see you again....so let me appreciate you. I just wanna appreciate you.' and with that he stared hugging the guy next to him. Good God sometimes I feel like Alice in Wonderland. And with that I started laughing, howling with laughter. Inwardly of course...blatant mocking wouldn't have been very 'Booodhist' of me!
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